I've been thinking recently about why I have behaved the way that I have towards my kids. The shouting, ranting, stressing, - why is it that I feel that I have to have a vice grip of control over every minute detail of our lives? I have narrowed my thoughts down to two of the things that I believe to be most problematic in modern day parenting:
Power - These days, power is the ultimate way of assessing success. Whether it be money, or powerful jobs, how many people we manage in a company, we have shifted the desire for power in society onto the way in which we relate to our kids. Power only means one thing, a battle. A battle between adults and children, in which if you are losing you are failing, something which is programmed into us from a young age that we must not do. It is only recently that I have realised that children aren't in fact contenders in a battle field, but small versions of adults who needs support and guidance more than they need to be controlled and evaluated.
When I became a parent and my daughter started having tantrums, I remember the advice that started to come my way...'it's a power struggle', 'she wants to be in control', 'pick your battles', but really all she wants is to feel secure in the knowledge that I will love her no matter what she does, and to guide her to know that there are some things that are not so productive and other things that are.
The trouble with power being the basis for parenting is that it fans the inner control freak in us. If we are not in control of the minute details then we do not have the power in the relationship. When we lose the control (i.e. power) we freak out, get frustrated, lay down punishments and reprimand the small person in front of us for just exploring and learning about the world.
Selfishness - We have become as a society, inherently selfish. Growing up being controlled by our surroundings leads us as adults to become incredibly selfish and stubborn as to the way in which we live life. I am guilty of this myself, just desperately wanting the children to go to bed so that I get an evening free. Is that fair? I chose to have children, they did not choose to be born to a mother that cannot wait to be free of them. I have known couples who go on holiday without their children only weeks after their birth, parents who bitch and moan about their kids behaviour, habits and general attitude whilst taking none of the responsibility about the way in which they behave towards their children.
As an example, lets just imagine for a second that you are a child. Your parents nag and bitch and moan at you. At a young age you are expected to take a certain amount of responsibility for yourself, but when you do not do it because you have far more exciting things to do, you are reprimanded and told how useless/lazy/impossible you are. Why on earth would you NOT be pissed?
Does this sound familiar? Most of our behaviours are learned ones. That means we all have the ability to un-learn them. To reprogram. How liberating would it be to enjoy your children's childhood with them.
I am absolutely not saying that I have all the answers, I am very much still working out parenting for myself. But I have learned from experience that power and control do nothing other than create a lack of communication between my children and I and that nine times out of ten when I do fight them into bed I end up wondering what it is that I so desperately needed time to do. Do you really need to channel-hop through countless shit digital channels in order to vegetate your brain? Think about it.
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