The art of going mad

It is a cycle. I get annoyed - I shout at my daughter - she gets angry - she shouts at her brother - I shout at her more - she gets angry and aggressive - and in the end we both end up angry, upset and trying to repair the remains of our fractious environment.

I am far from perfect when it comes to parenting, as if anyone actually is, but I do want to be the best parent that I can be and get into healthy parenting habits. 

I've been trying to break bad habits recently when it comes to parenting and by looking at my reactions and behaviour in response to my kids, I've realised that getting angry is made up of multiple factors which make it rather difficult to get out of.

My biggest problem with getting angry at the kids, is realising in the moment that it is perfectly natural to fly off the handle, but also a completely unnecessary emotion. Today, for example, I got annoyed about a few things one after the other. Paint on the carpet, my daughter being mean to her brother, my daughter's aggression (ironically enough, anger breeds anger). I am becoming increasingly more aware of the fact that the anger in our house comes from me and I have simplified the causes in order that I might break the habit of anger as masterfully as I have mastered it.

Unrealistic expectations - I think that deep down I expect my children to behave like little adults and ultimately I forget the glorious-ness of being children. I forget that children don't only need to play, explore, experiment, make a mess, clean the mess, and learn what to do but that it is beautiful in letting them do so. Their lives should be based on their own experiences of it, not on mine. 

Personal emotion - Children are intuitive and mine are adept at picking up if I feel upset or annoyed, disappointed or negative in any way. It really doesn't matter how much I plaster a smile on my face, they just know that I'm not ok. It's worrying for them. I am still tuned into my mum's emotions even as an adult, I can remember how unsettling it felt as a child. When you keep your own emotional health in check, by addressing issues as they arise, the anger in the house dissipates. 

Lack of perspective/ mindfulness  - What is the point in getting angry? What does it actually achieve? Absolutely nothing. In the grand scheme of things these minor instances creating anger like not putting on shoes in the morning or accidentally spilling milk all over the kitchen floor etc. etc., are stealing precious moments of not only my life, but the lives of my children. At the end of the day it actually doesn't matter if you're late - "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu


I am going to try to go a whole day tomorrow without getting annoyed, letting any anger and frustration wash over me and not letting my anger master me. Tiny steps to calm.

Silent Sunday

Problems with modern parenting

I've been thinking recently about why I have behaved the way that I have towards my kids. The shouting, ranting, stressing, - why is it that I feel that I have to have a vice grip of control over every minute detail of our lives? I have narrowed my thoughts down to two of the things that I believe to be most problematic in modern day parenting:

Power - These days, power is the ultimate way of assessing success. Whether it be money, or powerful jobs, how many people we manage in a company, we have shifted the desire for power in society onto the way in which we relate to our kids. Power only means one thing, a battle. A battle between adults and children, in which if you are losing you are failing, something which is programmed into us from a young age that we must not do.  It is only recently that I have realised that children aren't in fact contenders in a battle field, but small versions of adults who needs support and guidance more than they need to be controlled and evaluated. 

When I became a parent and my daughter started having tantrums, I remember the advice that started to come my way...'it's a power struggle', 'she wants to be in control', 'pick your battles', but really all she wants is to feel secure in the knowledge that I will love her no matter what she does, and to guide her to know that there are some things that are not so productive and other things that are. 

The trouble with power being the basis for parenting is that it fans the inner control freak in us. If we are not in control of the minute details then we do not have the power in the relationship. When we lose the control (i.e. power) we freak out, get frustrated, lay down punishments and reprimand the small person in front of us for just exploring and learning about the world.  

 Selfishness - We have become as a society, inherently selfish. Growing up being controlled by our surroundings leads us as adults to become incredibly selfish and stubborn as to the way in which we live life. I am guilty of this myself, just desperately wanting the children to go to bed so that I get an evening free. Is that fair? I chose to have children, they did not choose to be born to a mother that cannot wait to be free of them. I have known couples who go on holiday without their children only weeks after their birth, parents who bitch and moan about their kids behaviour, habits and general attitude whilst taking none of the responsibility about the way in which they behave towards their children. 

As an example, lets just imagine for a second that you are a child. Your parents nag and bitch and moan at you. At a young age you are expected to take a certain amount of responsibility for yourself, but when you do not do it because you have far more exciting things to do, you are reprimanded and told how useless/lazy/impossible you are. Why on earth would you NOT be pissed?

Does this sound familiar? Most of our behaviours are learned ones. That means we all have the ability to un-learn them. To reprogram. How liberating would it be to enjoy your children's childhood with them. 

I am absolutely not saying that I have all the answers, I am very much still working out parenting for myself. But I have learned from experience that power and control do nothing other than create a lack of communication between my children and I and that nine times out of ten when I do fight them into bed I end up wondering what it is that I so desperately needed time to do. Do you really need to channel-hop through countless shit digital channels in order to vegetate your brain? Think about it.

 

Mind over matter - how to be mindful when you feel like crap

Recently I've found it pretty easy to be calm, but this morning I woke up feeling absolutely dreadful. The kids have decided to be kind with their virus and I have spent the day feeling like a narcoleptic, eyes slightly jarred and head heavy as a brick. 

But with 2 kids (one at home ill from school) to look after it's impossible to just curl up into a ball and sleep yourself better. I've compiled a few ideas as to what has been helping, and thought I'd share my top tips here:

1. Stay Positive - when you feel rough, it's easy for your mood to drop and make you feel downright depressed, (I'm assuming its not just me!) That is why it is so important to try and remain positive. Think about things you love, smile, watch things that make you laugh. Ultimately the idea is to try and drag your mind and mood up. 

2. Breathe - (if you can) just to remind yourself that you are alive and you will get better. Just sit quietly when you can and rest, taking slow and long breaths gets you more in touch with your body and releases naturally occurring brain chemicals which will in turn help to boost your mood.

3. Hydrate - water, water and more water, keep your fluids up.

4. Medicate - paracetomal. I just can't bare it when people feel crap and don't medicate. If the kids feel rubbish too then calpol them up. Don't be a martyr.

5. Immunity Boost - drink and eat as many healthy things as you possibly can. Fruit, Vegetables, Multi-Vitamins, Black Tea, Garlic. Read up on all the foods that can boost your immune system. 

6. Let the kids run riot - Depending on the age of your children depends on how much free-rein you can give them when you feel rubbish. But trust me, I've been ill with babies, toddlers, young children. It is ok if they entertain themselves, make a mess, wreck the house, watch tv all day whilst you recoup. At the end of the day you can't look after kids if you don't have the strength and energy yourself. The world will not end if the living room ends up looking like the aftermath of a bomb detonation.

7. Leave the housework - Who cares for today - see #5

8. Sleep - Go to bed as early as the children do. If they won't go to sleep, just go to bed with them. Honestly nothing will make you feel better more than this will. 

 

 The thing is that there is no miracle cure for viruses. The most important thing to remember is that the illness will pass off. When you get better try to be healthier - eat good and immune boosting foods, feed them to your kids, try and take more exercise. I'm already planning the ways in which I will make sure I never get ill again! (delusion) Illness really seems to bring home a sense of my own mortality, which I instantly forget as soon as I'm well again. We're all fallible, it's only human. Be kind to yourself and keep trying.

Hey There

I'm Laura. I have two beautiful children, aged 14 months and 4 years old and I live on my own with them. This combination has led to some major (seriously major) stress in my life. People tell me how 'hard' it must be for me all the time and, up until I began to change my thinking, it has been.

Now I'm trying a different approach, and that is what this blog is all about. It's a way for me to chart my way from stress-head mum to chilled out, relaxed, unified mum, not only for the sake of my nerves and impending wrinkles, but more importantly, for my kids. 

Lately, my nagging is annoying even myself, I can't imagine how my little ones feel. I have had enough of sounding like the fire-breathing dragon of the house from the minute I wake up in the morning until the daily bedtime battle. No longer do I want to be the fun-police, who seriously stands on the sidelines omitting the fun to be had with the two most fun loving and vivacious loves of my life and so I have decided that it's about bloody time I did something to change it.

Wish me luck!